Sparkly Dildos and Homicidal Twihards

I have officially seen it all. Really.

I tried to read the Twilight series, I honestly tried. I can swear on the Bible if I have to. I tried and I failed. I rarely do that and I have an ego, so you must appreciate the amount of effort that I need to admit failure. There’s no point in explaining this entire Twilight frenzy, anyone who’s over 12 is aware of the sparkly vampire cult that has been killing contemporary literature and cinema. I’m not a fan, I couldn’t care less who gets to bang Bella and I think that the only good things that came out of this whole mess were the soundtracks and Robert Pattinson (and not in a “OMG he’s a hottie” kind of way).

I understand the passion for the story – what girl doesn’t dream of a vampire lover who doesn’t melt in the sun but sparkles like a diamond? I still believe that Stephanie Meyer pooped on everything that means “vampire” but hey, somebody had to take this step. But I do appreciate the film producers for having given us Pattinson, who in spite of his sparkly debut (I will use this world a lot, just so you know) is already beginning to prove himself as a real actor. His interpretation of Dali, his beautiful performance alongside Emilie de Ravin and his upcoming “Water for Elephants” are examples of this young man’s potential.

  “Well, I had to start somewhere, right?…”

But I’m not here to discuss the quality of Meyer’s books nor am I here to question Kristen Stewart’s ability to act or the fact that I became allergic to Taylor Lautner’s torso by the third movie, because of overexposure to it. No, I’m here to discuss the rabid fans and company decisions based on rabid fans.

It all started here, where I first realized how stupid people are. I got there by randomly googling for the word “Batshit”. Don’t ask. We’re all fans of something or someone, don’t get me wrong, I’m most likely to slap whoever says something bad about “The Mentalist”, for example, but this fanaticism should have its limits. We live in a free world, so there aren’t any limits. That is why we hear about jaw-dropping cases where a batshit insane Twihard decides to shoot a flare gun at a guy who dares to talk against Twilight. My personal favorite is that lunatic chick who tried to slid a colleague’s throat with a shank because he had the audacity to say that Twilight should be destroyed, since it’s making some people do bad things such as slitting throats of people who don’t like Twilight with shanks. The word “paradox” just captured new meanings.

  “New subspecies of humans: Twihards. Mostly females under 18.”

 When I was sixteen I too understood sobbing over a hottie actor that played a vampire. Back in my days, those vampires were Tom Cruise, Brad Pitt and Antonio Banderas – now those were the days, long before Cruise decided to go cuckoo and Pitt decided to have a platoon of kids. They drank blood, love-hated their existence and looked awesome with long hair and white shirts. Anne Rice knew her stuff, I have to give her credit for offering such tales of passion and death glazed in blood. I still understand sobbing over a hottie actor that plays a vampire. I understand being a fan. What I don’t and will always refuse to understand is why they don’t release some anti-psychotic medication along with every Twilight movie. Give them out for free but please, do us all a favor and give them something to contain their unjustified anger towards people who just don’t agree with a lousy book (and movie).

But this isn’t the peak of ridicule in the Twilight saga. No, it gets worse. Yes it does, trust me.

I present you with the TANTUS VAMP. Yes, it’s a dildo. But not just any dildo. It’s a Twilight replica – basically it’s Edward’s dick, it sparkles in the sunlight and you can keep it in a freezer prior to using it, just to get that tingly sensation of screwing a dead man.

Below, we have a very satisfied customer…

What I like the most is the company’s presentation. “We promise this vamp won’t be the only thing coming for you in the night!”. I reckon they’re currently working on a dildo version for Jacob’s dong, as well. It’ll probably come with fur and a set of claws to make the experience more real.

 “He sparkles!”

“Don’t be surprised if this toy seduces you, its long sleek shaft and deliciously ridged head calling out to you in the night. But don’t save this for just nocturnal escapades, try taking our Vamp out in the sunlight and watch it sparkle.” – I don’t know who laughed harder in the process, the “engineers” who produced its “deliciously ridged head” or the copywriter who had to write about it. It’s like they’re telling women to be proud of their sparkly dildos and take them out into the sunlight, for the rest of the world to see just how far people can go over a damn vampire movie. Most of us keep the dildos hidden in the lingerie drawer, for Christ’s sake!

I’ve finally concluded that our world is slowly disintegrating, thanks to people who strive for profit over culture, profit over common sense, profit over mental sanity.

But now I know what I’m getting my best friend for her birthday!

  “You’re never gonna guess what’s in there!”

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What a wonderful world…

A couple of weeks ago I was wondering if the planet was giving off some hints about its own thoughts on retirement and eventually death. With Charlie Sheen gone off the rails, dramatic weather changes, the earthquake in New Zealand, the rebellion in Egypt and Tunisia and so on and so forth. That’s what I get for watching news: a slight sense that the world is about to end. I decided to stop watching the news because my positive energy is directly under the influence of what I see and hear. I live in a quiet town where the worst criminals this year were two seventeen year olds caught with blunts and fresh weed in their pockets. They even intended to sell those, can you imagine? Whew! So watching the news under these conditions makes my life more dramatic than it should actually be.

Well it all went downhill after that particular week and I finally saw what the planet’s retirement gold watch was: Japan. Oh yes, the “rock’n’roll” that went down on the island even shifted the Earth on its axis, given the physical relocation of Japan by about eight feet. I can’t even begin to imagine what went down there – although the news, live footage and photos made it pretty clear. Something big hit the fan there and nobody ducked. Add a teaspoon full of damaged nuclear plants and there you have  it: a front row ticket at a real life disaster movie.

“Pfff, this is like soooooo yesterday.”

Add to that an entire military operation in Libya that is based on a U.N. sanction and implemented by a country with a rich history of attacking Arab countries. In order to avoid the “You bastards are out for oil again” the United States clearly specified that they were only enforcing a U.N. established No-Fly zone in order to protect civilians against their bloodthirsty dictator. They are only ASSISTING European countries in their struggle to protect the Libyans from a megalomaniac who keeps telling himself and the rest of the world that his people are happy and they love him. Somehow the thousands of innocent men, women and children killed over the past month are clear proof that his people love him. So we’ve got countries walking on egg shells while trying not to turn this whole mess into a hunt-for-oil newspaper headline while the people of Libya try to take back their country. In the meantime the U.S. continue to simply “help” the U.N. coalition – the first round of over 100 Tomahawk missiles came in handy, next to the 2 missiles fired by the U.K.

“That’s 98! How many did the British launch?”

“One.”

“It’s gonna be a landslide…”

 

I personally don’t blame them. Whether it is or it isn’t help based on personal interest, somebody needs to take the mad man off his throne. What amuses me is the constant clench between fact and official statements. “We are NOT trying to bring down Gaddafi and his forces, we’re simply trying to protect the civilians.” – I don’t know if this one came out before or after they bombed Gaddafi’s residential building, but I’m pretty sure the missile wasn’t equipped with a civilian-protection shield. The bitch went off and BOOM in what is now basically a military shelter. While Gaddafi rambles on national TV and his men set a house on fire, kill the people inside and then blame it on the “bastard imperialist crusaders from that blasted U.N. coalition”… we sit comfortably in our chairs and wonder how this entire episode of “North Africa 90210” will end.

North Africa 90210 – Season 1. Donna’s uncle, the one she never talks about.

The European Union is pretty pissed off about this. While France and the U.K. take it out on Libya directly, Italy is left with a very unpleasant alternative: they’re the closest to Libya and they’re the ones who get the wonderful opportunity to shelter all those people that fled from a boiling country. Thousands of them left without homes and jobs now look for new beginnings in a country that is already seriously struggling with unemployment and what seem to be the after effects of a so-called global crisis. Italy’s stuck with the daycare while the rest of the European Union doesn’t even want to hear about it – you can now start to imagine a six year old with his hands on his ears going “Lalalalalalalalalalalalalaaaaaaa – can’t hear you – Lalalalalalalalalalalalalaaaaaa”.

The E.U.

I feel sorry for Obama, though. He was already left with cleaning up the mess left behind by the “other” administration, two wars and a shattering economy of a once most-powerful country. Everybody’s pointing fingers at him for his lack of experience, but so far no one has managed to come up with better solutions. In fact, the ones pointing fingers have recently taken advantage of a loophole to strip teachers (and not only) of bargaining rights, thus pissing thousands of people off. Yes, Wisconsin, yes. You might say I’m not in much of a position to express opinions about this whole mess but, guess what, I come from a country that is still under the control of crackheads and fat bastards that are sucking off the people like stinky ticks. That is a country whose former president stated officially that he earned no more than a boutique salesman. Somehow that fails to fly.

And this is how a boutique salesman rolls, bitchiz!

I’ve seen the “screw-the-teachers” scheme before, I’m not surprised and the final result will be an extra point to the democrats in the elections. Nobody wants a douchebag for a president. Not twice anyway. Oh wait… forget that one.

Just sit back and relax, there’s so much more to come. It’s only March and I’m still curious if April Fools Day will earn itself a new meaning this year.

New definition of “Ridiculous”

Note: The song’s pretty much about Bush, but it fits another president too. You know who he is. I won’t say his name because the boogie man will hunt me down at night.

SOURCE HERE (in short, the Church plans to invest 400 mil. Euros on a cathedral. They say they HAVE the money to get things started but they’ll need to raise more. They’re “hoping” that the people will donate until they make the four hundred, so they can build the Cathedral, which will cover 11 acres)

There’s not a day that passes by without finding me by the window, smoking one and thinking about the country that I’ve left behind. And every time I get to the same conclusion: I am not going back there. Not ever.

They used to say that the situation was pretty bad out here too. They forgot to mention that there is a different level of civilization here. They also forgot to mention that people here do not thrive on opulence. They don’t pay rent on a two room apartment and the rates on a luxury SUV just to look good. Why the hell would I go back there?

I’ve heard that they plan to invest 400 million Euros to build a cathedral.

The country is in shambles – thousands were left without a job, the rent and bills have exploded, the prices are continously on the rise, there is no clear medical system (you have to pay in order to live or get out with all of your body parts still attached to you) and the schools resemble the haunted houses you see in horror films. There’s a clear lack of respect for the people, the wages are ridiculously low and don’t even cover 30% of the monthly expenses. But you know what? It’s no longer the government’s fault. We finally have something in common with the U.S.A. – we have chosen the same idiot for President, TWICE. We chose the same government, TWICE. It has gone from bad to worse and we only have ourselves to blame. Oh no, wait, we’re even dumber now: we’re actually going to raise 400 million to build a church. We won’t raise it for the poor, for the orphans, for someone who’s in desperate need of a brain surgery. We’ll raise it to build a church. Awesome!

I mean, come on! The people are starving or comitting suicide at an alarming rate, others are dying in hospital waiting rooms, children are missing out on their elementary education because they’re sent out to clean windshields at a stoplight … and our beloved church officials are stating that they’ll need another 400 million Euros to finish building a cathedral. Start looking through your wallets, redemption doesn’t come cheap these days.

With all due respect, what is the fucking point? Is that cathedral going to get us new jobs? Will our prayers in that 400 million Euro cathedral help a nation overcome this crisis? Are Jesus & Co. going to drop out of the sky in front of the 400 million Euro cathedral and pass around 400 million Euros worth of jobs, decent healthcare and food?

No wonder the rest of the world is laughing at us. I mean, I(!) am laughing at us. There’s a whole new level of “ridiculous” and I honestly didn’t expect to see it happen. It’s quite a surprise.

Or maybe they’ve decided to invest in the afterlife, since the present one is so sucky and beyond repair. We might as well stuff 400 million Euros in an oversized church and pray our asses off, since this country ain’t gettin’ any better. Right?

I look around these parts. They’ve got cathedrals built back in the 1400’s. They’re taking good care of them and they don’t intend to build any new ones. They’ll rather spend the tax payers’ money on better roads, better education and health systems, transport infrastructure and an agriculture based on local crops. People out here buy apples, oranges and dolls to help homeless kids and sick people. But no, Romania has to put 400 million Euros in a cathedral, while its most precious churches slowly fade into ruins.

I am so giving up my citizenship. No seriously, the first chance I get, I will renounce my citizenship. It’s an embarassment. I’ve never been more disgusted in my life. And don’t even get me started on the Romanians that came around these parts. 90% of them should’ve been sent back. There should be a test at the border. They should ask you several questions before letting you leave the country. I’m not even talking about general culture, like “How much is 2+2?”, because most would fail to answer anyway; I’m talking about common sense. We are a nation of thieves, liars and people with a general predisposition to delinquency, arrogance and disrespect. Not all of us. Just a very very large number. I’m telling you, they let the wrong people OUT and they’re keeping the right ones IN, to wither and die in misery.

People are scum pretty much all over the world. The planet would be better off with us in smaller numbers. And I’m not saying I’m any better, but there isn’t any hypocrisy oozing out of me while expecting an entire nation to pay for one of the church’s whims.

But really now. 400 million Euros for a friggin’ church?

This is embarassing.

However, please do smile. If you’re unemployed and can’t afford a slice of meat on your table, rest assured. They’re building a 400 million Euro church for you to pray in.

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